Sountrack to Exploded Guy

Falling on an Exploded Guy Mix



Tracks
Fiend Discovered and Titles - Marc Wilkinson / Blood on Satan's Claw OST
How to Get Rid of a Dead Body - Three Six Mafia
They Bout to Find Yo Body - Three Six Mafia
Nightmares - Clipse
Poor Murdered Woman - Shirley Collins

ITEM ONE
Contributor Wade Zamchek submits the following account.

I wished Eric a happy birthday and walked up the block looking for my car. I was convinced that I had parked it on Newell St, near the supermarket, as I do almost everyday. I call Anja and she confirms that she remembers me parking the car there. I begin to get nervous and call to see if my car is towed. I had gotten two tickets in the past week for expired emissions, but doubted that they would tow the car based on that. I end up getting connected to the 94th Precinct and they confirm that the car was not stolen. They ask me some details about the car, "year. make. model. color. 4 doors?" I give them the answers, "1996. Saab 900s. black. 1996. 2 doors. yeah and a trunk. a little dent in the bumper." They ask me to sit tight and they say they will send a car over to meet me. "226 Newell St, across from the Key foods. OK."
Nervous and bored, I call several people to inform them of my misfortune. "Yeah I'm sure I parked it over here." Don't think I'm going to make it to the movie" I wait 15 minutes and am beginning to get cold. I call the 94th Precinct to ensure that they are in fact coming. "Things just got real hectic here. Accident in the neighborhood." I wait another 15 minutes and call. "I know that this isn't priority # 1 for you guys, but it is getting cold." "Sorry sir. We will have someone there soon. Sit tight." Another 15 minutes goes by and I spend it kicking rocks. It looks like there is glass near where I thought my car was parked. Is that window glass. Looks more like someone dropped a Snapple bottle. Its getting windy.
Officer Suarez pulls up with his partner, Officer Peterone. They are both about my age and very nice. "I think there looks like there may be glass near where I parked" "Oh, that's not window glass" "You wanna wait in the car" "You look cold" I get in the back. "I last saw the car on Monday. 9:30." "Your wife have keys and took your car?" "That was meant to be a joke." They tell me that its standard to cruise around the neighborhood and look for the car. I ask why: "kids on a joyride?" "Most of the time someone just doesn't remember where he parked" "I'm 99.99% positive I left it over there" "Some cops are lazy and don't drive around looking." We get back to the site of the crime and fill out some paper work and wait for the boss.
"You guys watch The Wire?" "No, but some of the guys back at the station say that shit is real good" "I remember I was down in Baltimore and I remember regretting not having my weapon on me." "Makes Brooklyn look like suburbia." "Its our last day of our week shift." "Got the day off tomorrow" How was the week?" "Man, we saw the grossest shit?" Officer Suarez, holds his nose and fakes a gagging sounds as his partner tells this story about them finding a man who had been dead for 3 weeks in his apartment in Greenpoint this week. they said the body had exploded (it does that after some time) and there was purple and black bile all over.
"Dude, was a yellow cab driver. You never know who is driving you around in this town" Suarez tell me how the medical examiner made him change a light bulb on a wobbly table right next to the body. "Shit man, can you imagine falling face first into an open exploded body?" Officer Peterone said that the medical examiners are sick fucks. "We went to the 24 hour laundry mat and washed our clothes immediately after." "I wasn't going to bring that smell into my house" We waited for a while longer for their supervisor to show up. "Crown Vics are pieces of shit" "You got enough room back there" "You should see 3 drunk polish dudes back there. Ain't a pretty sight" Finally the supervisor shows up and they put an alarm on the car. They warn me that if I do find the car I should not drive it "unless i like being dragged out of my car by gunpoint."
They drive me home and give me an incident report. I walk up the stairs and grab a beer. I call the insurance company and issue a complaint. "Saab. 900s. Black. 1996" After several minutes I get connected to another operater to find out information about my coverage. "Does my insurance cover theft." "No." Bummer. I call Eric. "Happy Birthday man" "Yeah I know it sucks" "Maybe they will find it" "Yeah I'm sure I parked it there" Eric and Sarah decided to come over for a beer. I could use another beer. I get some beer and come back to the house. After 10 minutes Sarah calls. "Is your licence plate CYF 1746" Turned out that I had parked it on another street. I forgot that i had gone to Justin's house the night before to watch the election results the night before. Man I felt retarded. I even made fun of people like myself with Officer Suerez and Peterone. I call the precinct and apologize for wasting their time. "I feel really bad." They remind me again not to get in the car unless I like getting dragged out by gunpoint. I thanked Eric and Sarah. They made fun of me pretty bad. Anja must think my brain is shrinking. I'm concerned about not remembering the day before.

The next morning Anja volunteered to move the car. She calls me as I walk to the train. "You got one of those boots on the car." "Shit, are you serious." "No, I'm just fucking with you."

ITEM TWO
The New York Times reports the following incident in Hell's Kitchen:

Even for the once-notorious Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood, it may have been a first: Two men were arrested on Tuesday after pushing a corpse, seated in an office chair, along the sidewalk to a check-cashing store to cash the dead man’s Social Security check, the police said.

When Virgilio Cintron, 66, died at his apartment at 436 West 52nd Street recently, his roommate and a friend saw an opportunity to cash his $355 check, the police said.

They did not go about it the easy way, the police said, choosing a ruse that resembled the plot of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” a film about two young men who prop up their dead employer to pretend that he is alive.

“Hell’s Kitchen has a rich history,” said Paul J. Browne, a police spokesman, “but this is one for the books.”

There was no sign of foul play in Mr. Cintron’s death, he added.

The roommate, James P. O’Hare, and his friend, David J. Dalaia, both 65 and unemployed, placed Mr. Cintron’s body in the chair and wheeled it around the corner, south along Ninth Avenue on Tuesday afternoon, the police said. The men parked the chair with the corpse in front of Pay-O-Matic at 763 Ninth Avenue, a check-cashing business that Mr. Cintron had patronized.

They went inside to present the check, but a clerk said Mr. Cintron would have to cash it himself, and asked where he was, the police said.

“He is outside,” Mr. O’Hare said, indicating the body in the chair, according to Mr. Browne.

The two men started to bring the chair inside, but it was too late.

Their sidewalk procession had already attracted the stares of passers-by who were startled by the sight of the body flopping from side to side as the two men tried to prop it up, the police said. The late Mr. Cintron was dressed in a faded black T-shirt and blue-and-white sneakers. His pants were pulled up part of the way, and his midsection was covered by a jacket, the police said. While the two men were inside the check-cashing office, a small crowd had gathered around the chair. A detective, Travis Rapp, eating a late lunch at a nearby Empanada Mama saw the crowd and notified the Midtown North station house.

Police officers and an ambulance arrived as the two men were trying to maneuver the corpse and chair into the check-cashing office.

The two men were taken into custody and questioned. The police said they were considering charging them with check-cashing fraud.

Mr. Cintron’s body was taken to a hospital morgue. The medical examiner’s office said its preliminary assessment was that he had died of natural causes within the past 24 hours.

ITEM THREE
Opening sequence to Blood on Satan's Claw (1971), in which a local farmer discovers a human skull with a gross eyeball in a field.